(The man himself perfectly executing the most feminine leg cross I’ve ever seen)
What L.A.S. is Really Like
First things first, you people are fucking sick. I have a new anonymous question everyday asking me about L.A.S. and what he’s like, to what he eats, and to “how serious is he with his girlfriend?” – that last person needs some serious help. I knew my boss had 8,000 followers on twitter but I didn’t know he had a cult following. The guy has 2 other interns you know, way more popular and talented than I am too. You could’ve asked one of them. But since I am a man of the people I will try my best to fill you guys in. Also, I call him Lawrence; we’re on a first name basis like that.
The best way I could possibly tell you guys what he’s like is to give you a rundown of what my day is usually entails of. Here it goes:
10:30 – I text Lawrence to let him know I’m outside. I’m way too unimportant to actually be given a key card that would let me enter the building by myself. He comes downstairs and smokes a cigarette (every. single. time.) We chop it up for a little bit and he tells me his opinions on the most recent piece I sent him. He’s way too nice to tell me, “Dude that shit fucking sucked,” so he tries so use more complicated words to ease my pain. Something along the lines of, “Yea, we’re going to have to “workshop” the piece a little.”
10:45 – I’m all settled in and we’re off and running. Dead silence.
11:00 – Lawrence shoots down a product I ask to write about. Four Pins is all about excellence.
11:15 – Lawrence chuckles uncontrollably by himself while he proofreads Shea’s new column. I have no choice but to awkward laugh the best I possibly can.
11:30 – Lawrence finally OK’s a product I want to write a review about. I feel like a worthless piece of shit that does no work.
11:35 – Awkward silence.
11:45 – Lawrence quietly sneaks out to smoke a cigarette.
12:00 – My product review is finally up. Lawrence edits absolutely everything in it because none of it was funny. Still leaves my name on the article.
12:15 – I finally read Shea’s column when it’s up on the site and chuckle uncontrollably by myself. Not too loud, I feel like I annoy Lawrence relentlessly.
12:20 – Awkward silence.
12:30 – Lawrence sneaks out to smoke a cigarette.
12:33 – Lawrence comes back and catches me watching twerk videos. Says nothing.
12:45 – Somebody says something funny on twitter. We laugh about it and crack jokes.
12:48 – No more jokes. Moy just sent over new product reviews. I have no clue to where this guy finds these things. Moy always has the hottest new shit coming out of some ridiculous country. “This fresh new bag is straight out of Uzbekistan. Don’t worry about currency exchange rate because they’re poor as fuck over there.”
1:00 – Awkward silence.
1:15 – Lawrence and Jian giggle with each other about their #gauchewave inside joke.
1:30 – We try to “workshop” my piece. Lawrence takes out all of the racist jokes.
1:50 - I have to borrow Lawrence’s entire wallet just to go to the bathroom. It has the key card in it I need to get around. Rich, tanned, leather FYI. Monogrammed too.
2:00 – Lawrence sneaks out to smoke a cigarette.
2:20 – Awkward silence.
2:30 – New weekly columnist sends over material. Lawrence breaks the awkward silence by bashing on his keyboard. Guy might be the loudest typer I’ve ever known.
3:00 – Noah yells something over to Lawrence. Lawrence yells back. This is in a DEAD quiet office mind you. Jian chimes in with some obscure comment that makes no sense but complete sense all at the same time.
3:10 – I finally remember to grab lunch. This internship is so fucking easy I can’t stand it. Sitting in a chair all day? Way better than my current job.
3:30 – I feel like a useless piece of shit so I come back from lunch quickly.
3:35 – Fresh new A$AP track, we listen to it on super low volume.
3:45 – Lawrence and I get into a conversation about menswear. He shoots down any dream I have of doing anything in men’s fashion.
4:00 – My new product review is up on the site. Lawrence takes out all of the racist jokes.
4:05 – Lawrence sneaks out to smoke a cigarette.
4:10 – I comment on how dope the site is looking today. All brown nosing aside, it’s really fucking good. Check it out.
4:25 – I make fun of a new picture of Lawrence I found on tumblr.
4:30 – Lawrence tweets at 6 individual people, posts 4 new photos on his tumblr, and updates Four Pins all within 2 minutes. I can barely write a product review under 40 minutes. Once again, I feel like a useless piece of shit.
5:15 – I send over my last product review to Lawrence. He just shakes his head in disappointment as he edits out all of the racist jokes.
5:30 – Awkward silence.
5:45 – Lawrence basically has to kick me out of the office because I will never just get up and say bye.
So that’s basically it. Lawrence is really just a cool, down to earth, tri-state area suburban white kid that says shit like “mad ill.” He’s a regular dude that just has really good taste and that’s why he is where he is right now. He also works kind of hard I guess. I mean, I’ve never even seen the guy eat lunch. One time I gave him some peanuts though, he’s a loud chewer. New Jersey people just have no class.
James accurately summed me up pretty well. He’s lucky this is funny because if it wasn’t I would have totally fired him.